Changes: Welcomed and not so welcomed

Well it's about time I get back on the band wagon.  It's been too long and my best excuse is that my laptop is dead, not dead as in battery power, dead as in "where's Windows?" dead.  As much as I despise Windows and as much as I am in love with my iMac, I do love to be able to get comfy cozy on the couch, in my favorite spot and have the world on my lap (yes, take this as a hint = MacBook Pro + Christmas).  This is why I am able to sit at my desk and do this now....(please note this is a rare occurrence in this household)....

Life has changed in huge ways.  For all of us.  We moved.  Camden started 5th grade which, in our district is MIDDLE SCHOOL.  We couldn't be happier with our school nurse.  Simply, she rocks.  I spend significantly more time communicating with her daily than I do my husband.  Going into the school year with new staff was very scary for me.  My initial greetings were "we've had several diabetic students before."  That means nothing to me.  We all know every diabetic is different.  Every 420 is different.  Every 56 is different.  Even for the same diabetic.

But this school year so far has gone well (thanks to our nurse!).  Well, there was the broken ankle the second week of school.  And the same week, the possible TIA for my husband.  And again the same week, a cancer diagnosis for our beloved, sweet St. Bernard, Kato.  Oh and the major anxiety flare up!  Did I mentioned we moved?  Ha! These boxes aren't going anywhere anytime soon!  We contemplated on our new place far too long and we have no idea why....this is our wake up call every morning....

The ankle is doing much better, the boot comes off tomorrow.  My husband thankfully did not suffer a TIA as thought and my sweet Kato - I have no words to describe the love, happiness and joy she brings to us and the hurt that is soon to come.

Diabetes is a blessing....

It's been quite some time that I've gotten lost in thought. These past several weeks have been full of appointments...Rheumatology, Endocrinology, Cardiology, and a few others! Camden had all the "ology" visits and all were good reports. I consider them good reports if we didn't receive bad news. Surprisingly, the one that hit me the hardest was the Cardiology appointment. When I say it hit me, I mean it hit me....like a brick to the chest. They wheeled in the EKG machine and then took him in another room for his echo. I had a few minutes there to think. He said before we went in that he hoped they didn't do the echo because it hurts when they have to press so hard at different angles to get the view they want. They do it every year, he knows that. It was wishful thinking on his part. I felt sadness and anger all at the same time. The heart issue came first (which is repaired and fine) and three years later came the diabetes. But at that moment I wanted to grab my babies, hide them each under an arm like a mama bird and run....run to where no one can see us, hear us, talk to us or find us (except for daddy bird!). He had endured a specialist visit each week for several weeks now. It was too much for me. He is poked and prodded enough on a daily basis! He keeps such good spirits, no complaints, he just keeps chugging along. Why couldn't I?  Then the guilt settled in. How dare I be so selfish when there are Moms weeping and pleading with God for one more day with their babies?  Moms who sit and watch their children take their last breath? It didn't take long for me to get back on the Camden train. 
We recently went to a Coastal Plain League baseball game where they brought awareness to Niemann-Pick Type C Disease. The little boy they memorialized was their bat boy. It was by far the very saddest baseball game I have ever attended. This boy's mother watched her baby deteriorate over just a few years. All I could think about was how fortunate (yes, I said fortunate) we are to have diabetes. Yes, I know my son's health will deteriorate as well over a longer period of time but we have hope for a cure, we have treatment. I can treat his highs, I can treat his lows, I can take precautions. Those lows that are the devil sometimes are the 
same lows that give us quiet time together.  I remember once in the mountains at Family Camp, he had dropped to 52 late one evening.  We sat quietly on the back of my truck eating a snack and admiring our surroundings, looking for stars.  Would that have happened otherwise?  Not likely.  

God gives us what HE knows we can handle through Him. There are many a day, I asked God what in the hell he was thinking?! But when I lay it all out, I know what He was thinking. He gave this to me, my husband and my boys. What do we do with what God gives us? We tend to it. We care for it. We love it. We are a closer family because of it. We love a little harder because of it. We are fighters because of it.

Today....I am embracing diabetes. 

Something great will come of this.....

Now that school is out, I feel like I should have more time....not so.  I think it's about to get busier.  I am proud to say my T1 diabetic child made All-Stars!  Proud really doesn't explain it.  He hasn't once let this disease stop him or get in his way.  The only conflict was in the beginning of the season on how he wanted to disconnect while playing.  I pray everyday that this only makes him stronger and more diligent. Here's how today's morning prayer started.....

Dear Lord.....

Place your healing hand on my husband, bless his doctors that they may have answers.  Keep him safe and aware. Be with my son and take his burdens from him, remove the picture stuck in his head of his father having a seizure and replace it with good thoughts.  He has so much to carry, it just isn't right.  Bless the baby, give him ears so he may hear me and keep him safe for he has no fear.   AMEN

For the record, the "baby" is three and he does have ears - he just doesn't always use them!

As we lay in bed early Saturday morning (Father's Day weekend and also my husband's birthday), our oldest comes to my husband's side of the bed to talk "baseball bats."  No sooner did he get to the side of the bed, when I felt the tenseness of my husband and could hear the mumbling almost at the same time the tears came from my son.  I immediately knew what was happening, I slapped my glasses on so I could see.  My son grabbed the phone and started to call 911.  A few years ago I would have let him but I have become quite calmer now.  I simply took the phone and sat it down.  I had to see where this was going first.  Thank God, it was a mild one.  They don't happen often but one is enough if you've ever witnessed it.

Let me take you back about five years to Christmas eve.  My husband and son were Christmas shopping about an hour away when he called to say they had been in an accident.  He had hit someone from behind - he said he just didn't see her.  We had a Tahoe, so our damage wasn't much in comparison to her car being totaled.  I thought his explanation was odd but I didn't think too much about it.  Several hours later as we sat in church at Candlelight service, I felt the tenseness (this was the first time so I didn't know what was about to happen).  There, stuck between two pews, he suffered a grand mal seizure.  Definitely one of the scariest events I have ever witnessed.  I thought I was losing him, forever.  I thought he was having a massive stroke (he suffered strokes at the age of five and 23).  My son was there for both events and most from then on. It turned out the earlier "accident" was my husband having a series of petit mal seizures.

My son is very sensitive and aware.  Not only does he carry the burden of diabetes but also of his father's disorder.  I want to scream "It isn't fair!" and "Why him?"  But the fact is if it wasn't him, it would be another child and my God has given it to my son because He knows what he will do with it.  I know that will be something great.  I know all of this will be his testimony one day.  It has created a greater bond between us.  It has made us look at life with a totally different attitude.  A lot of things don't matter anymore and the smaller things do.   We have an appreciation for life that most people don't.  I pray every time my husband gets in the driver seat. I pray for the times he isn't able to drive because he has to "wait" for the okay.  I will do the same when my oldest starts to drive I'm sure.  But today, we take it ONE day at a time, one hour at a time, a bolus at a time, one BS check at a time.....

Humanity in it's best form...

Many would beg to differ when I say my son is fortunate.  He has had quite a few series of unfortunate events.  Shortly after birth it was determined he had GERD that raged for years.  When he was two he fell out of a chair (I was literally right beside him) and broke his arm to the extent he had to have pins placed in it.  At age seven he was diagnosed with an ASD (Atrial Septal Defect also known as a hole in the heart).  Eight months later, another surgery to remove his tonsils.  And more recently, seven months ago a Type 1 Diabetes diagnosis.

I am very careful to use the word "lucky".  I don't believe in luck.  I believe in fortune, God's grace and mercy.  So why do I say he is so fortunate?  Because he has one of the best support systems one could ask for.  Let me explain the divine intervention here...

My son is in his fifth year (4th grade) of elementary school.  Many students in this small, rural community have shared many classes together.  My son has had the privilege of being in class for the first time this year with another T1.  They have been together at school for five years but only this year, have they had the same teacher.  My initial fear was that when my son came back for the first time after being diagnosed, the other students would think that Diabetes could be "caught."  I couldn't have been more wrong, the students made cards of support and gave many well wishes. These two boys have been able to share their last year of elementary school together, going to the nurse together, checking blood sugars together....they know they are not alone.  Their guidance counselor has formed a support group for them as well (there is another T1 in another grade level).

This week is Diabetes Awareness week at school.  The children can bring in a dollar and buy a JDRF sneaker and place it next to their classroom.  The classroom with the most at the end of the week will receive special recognition.  I thought to myself maybe they will raise $200 if half of the school participates. WELL....as we are coming home from school yesterday he tells me that they raised $106 and that ONE of his classmates brought in $50 AND the remainder was from his class alone.  I couldn't speak, I couldn't even try to smile.  He says "Mom?  Are you getting emotional?"  All I could do was nod and wait for the rush to leave. THEN, today as I'm walking in the hallways volunteering, I am admiring (truly) all the sneakers and I notice another classmate's name over and over again.  I find out that this little girl brought in her entire piggy bank and emptied it of $63.  I feel like I cannot shout loud enough to tell the world of the goodness these kids are doing.  All the while, tears are flowing, my heart smiles and a sense of comfort falls over me knowing his friends are so supportive.  These are the children he will grow up with, who will be there during the highs and lows.  So I can say WE are fortunate, blessed and surrounded by grace.  My sneakers runneth over.....

My first post....

I have been thinking for quite some time that I needed to do this.  I’ve heard it’s therapeutic.  Lord knows, I need therapy….of many kinds.  Everyday I’ve thought about my first posting.  Should I be anonymous?  Could I even be anonymous?  Will I keep it up? How will I share it?  Facebook?  Twitter?  Do I want my friends and acquaintances knowing some of these personal venues of my life?

I knew I needed to do this about a year ago when I, along with my newly-turned- two year old, went to Chick-Fil-A for lunch.  I went to open my bag (haven't seen a purse in years) to get money and out falls my underwear.  No worries, this won’t be as kinky as it could be.  Rewind….Our then-two-year-old had a doctor’s appointment an hour away that day.  As I am rushing to take a shower before Dad (my husband) leaves for the day, I run to the laundry room to grab clean clothes (not much folding goes on here).  Dad asks for some money so on the way to the bathroom, I stop at my bag to give him money.  I hop in the shower and put on my robe till I’m ready to get dressed. I KNOW I had underwear in my hands at one point, not enough time to keep looking, grab a new pair and out the door….

These things happen often.  They make me laugh.  I know it was God’s intention. I believe the saying “everything happens for a reason”…even finding underwear in my purse.  Because very simply put….If I didn’t laugh, I’d cry.

I know everyone has a story.  I want to share mine.  My husband and I met in high school.  By any means, I wouldn’t say we were sweethearts.  I first noticed him on the football field during a game I was at with my boyfriend.  We were off and on for two years.  We dated for several years and wed in 1997.  We soon found property in the country and began building a home.  A few months after breaking ground he suffered a stroke at the age of 23.  He had deficiencies for several weeks and stayed in the hospital until he recovered.  During this time, our lender contacted us to tell us they must have written the contractor’s  license number wrong.  No,it wasn’t wrong.  It was a bad number.  The contractor did not have a valid number.  There we sat with no contractor and a not even half built home.  My husband was in no condition to take part in trying to do it himself.  But, we tried.  We emptied savings, borrowed more money.  THEN, more news….I was pregnant!  Wow, we can still handle this, we thought.  Forward 14 weeks to Valentine’s day and a romantic day spent together in a coastal town.  We came home and went to bed.  I got up to go to the bathroom and began hemorrhaging.  That began a two-year quest to be a Mother again.  One we met with great difficulty (and mild fertility drugs).  Within the next eighteen months, we would both lose our jobs and eventually return the house to the lender.

I became pregnant again and had a baby boy (oh how we prayed for a boy, selfish, I know). In the next 14 years we would experience broken bones (we can handle this), DVTs (a little harder to handle), seizures, (much harder to handle), our son being diagnosed with an ASD (even harder to hear), birth of another boy (yes, we prayed for another boy and yes, still selfish, I know), the death of a parent, a fire, an unexpected layoff, reentering of college, a diagnosis of juvenile diabetes for our first son, heartache and heartbreak.   I’ve never lost faith.  I KNOW it could be worse.  God is keeping us one foot from destruction.  Someone recently told me that I reminded him of the good guy in the movies who is running on a bridge and the bridge is quickly collapsing behind him.  That’s how I feel most (all, really) of the time.  The good news is the good guy always makes it to the other side……