It's been quite some time that I've gotten lost in thought. These past several weeks have been full of appointments...Rheumatology, Endocrinology, Cardiology, and a few others! Camden had all the "ology" visits and all were good reports. I consider them good reports if we didn't receive bad news. Surprisingly, the one that hit me the hardest was the Cardiology appointment. When I say it hit me, I mean it hit me....like a brick to the chest. They wheeled in the EKG machine and then took him in another room for his echo. I had a few minutes there to think. He said before we went in that he hoped they didn't do the echo because it hurts when they have to press so hard at different angles to get the view they want. They do it every year, he knows that. It was wishful thinking on his part. I felt sadness and anger all at the same time. The heart issue came first (which is repaired and fine) and three years later came the diabetes. But at that moment I wanted to grab my babies, hide them each under an arm like a mama bird and run....run to where no one can see us, hear us, talk to us or find us (except for daddy bird!). He had endured a specialist visit each week for several weeks now. It was too much for me. He is poked and prodded enough on a daily basis! He keeps such good spirits, no complaints, he just keeps chugging along. Why couldn't I? Then the guilt settled in. How dare I be so selfish when there are Moms weeping and pleading with God for one more day with their babies? Moms who sit and watch their children take their last breath? It didn't take long for me to get back on the Camden train.
We recently went to a Coastal Plain League baseball game where they brought awareness to Niemann-Pick Type C Disease. The little boy they memorialized was their bat boy. It was by far the very saddest baseball game I have ever attended. This boy's mother watched her baby deteriorate over just a few years. All I could think about was how fortunate (yes, I said fortunate) we are to have diabetes. Yes, I know my son's health will deteriorate as well over a longer period of time but we have hope for a cure, we have treatment. I can treat his highs, I can treat his lows, I can take precautions. Those lows that are the devil sometimes are the
same lows that give us quiet time together. I remember once in the mountains at Family Camp, he had dropped to 52 late one evening. We sat quietly on the back of my truck eating a snack and admiring our surroundings, looking for stars. Would that have happened otherwise? Not likely.
God gives us what HE knows we can handle through Him. There are many a day, I asked God what in the hell he was thinking?! But when I lay it all out, I know what He was thinking. He gave this to me, my husband and my boys. What do we do with what God gives us? We tend to it. We care for it. We love it. We are a closer family because of it. We love a little harder because of it. We are fighters because of it.
Today....I am embracing diabetes.